Dear Tracey Jackson

14 Feb

Dear Tracey Jackson,

I read this and sister, I am so with you.  I have the same problem with sexiness.  I mean, I never asked to be sexy.  Sexy just happened.  And when it comes to being taken seriously in Hollywood, sexy is a liability.  Sure, being a sexy actress is great, but I am a writer and I want people to know that my talent comes first.  Which is why I go into meetings, announce that I just got spit-roasted by my sexy boyfriend and his best friend because lets face it, when you look like me, that’s what they are thinking anyway so lets just get it out of the way so we can focus on the story at hand.  So I get it.  I understand how you feel.  It’s not about the quality of our writing.  I mean, if there is one thing about Hollywood that is true it is that the level of attractiveness of a writer has a direct correlation to their success.  You see those red carpets, they are just littered with young, sexy, but not TOO sexy writers who are young and sexy.  Some of us aren’t young enough and some of us are too sexy.  It’s hard to find that balance.

For example, just last week I was up for a job at Nickelodeon and the execs, a man in his 60’s and a woman in her 30’s were both so sexually dissatisfied that you could tell they were distracted and there really wasn’t any point because I’m really too good for Nick but I have a serious lingerie habit and with the number of times the lingerie is ripped or stained beyond repair makes meetings like this necessary.  Even though I consider myself a real writer.  But whatever, I want to make the big money.  So I went in there and got it out of the way, yes I’m sexy, yes you can see my boobs through this shirt, yes you are distracted by the fact that I am breathing heavily and can’t walk in these heels and then of course they weren’t into my pitch because of my sexiness.  Because my pitch was awesome.  It kills me that they hated it.  See they wanted a G-rated movie about a talking teddy bear who saves the world but I turned it on its head and the teddy bear was an actual teddy, the lingerie, and it talked to this guy and told him how to get women and then he fucked them and saved the world.  And they rejected it because of my inherent sexiness.  I mean, that idea… come on!  Cha-ching.

Look, this is the world we live in.  Sex sells except when it doesn’t and sometimes it doesn’t but that isn’t my fault.  Hollywood is to blame.  It’s not like I have a choice.  All my clothes are revealing and my lips just naturally look cum-stained and sometimes I smell like Thai food for days and yes my Twitter handle is ladyfucksalot and sure I announce these things at regular intervals but this is Hollywood’s fault. Not mine.  They made this happen.  I have no control.  I can’t write a spec script that sells.  I am forced to be defensive and mean in my meetings.  I rarely spell check my blog or my book and I frequently talk about how much money, I mean, sex I have.  This is what happens to women.  We can take absolutely no responsibility though because we are women and can’t help how we behave.

I get you Tracey.  I feel your pain.



ps: This.  This this this.

Spoiler Alert: Jellystone Isn’t For Babies

13 Dec

In case you were worried that the opening weekend sold out and you couldn’t participate in the water cooler gossip.

Here you go!

From Edmund Earl a very talented RISD student. Incredible.

Diamonds are forever. And ever.

13 Dec

This is the most frightening ad on television right now:

I like the way diamonds look and I admit I wear a diamond engagement ring that my grandfather gave my grandmother. I get that they are pretty. And it would be nice if I could buy them and not have the money support the enslavement of children.

But the only women I can think will respond to this ad are weak willed women who need a strong man regardless of the fact that said man will be wearing the women as skin. The lambs are screaming. And you can’t hear them because every kiss begins with k.

Colin Quinn on The Moth – Dying At DeNiro’s Birthday

15 Nov

If you’ve ever died in front of an audience, you will feel this one in your bones:

Colin Quinn: Toast from The Moth Podcast by marianne on Huffduffer

Marie Claire Writer Gets On The Wrong Side of Everyone

28 Oct

In case you don’t read girl blogs a writer named Maura Kelly wrote about her feelings of revulsion watching the TV show Mike and Molly about two people who meet in Overeaters Anonymous.  She doesn’t like fat people.  She doesn’t like looking at them.  And so she decided the best way to feel better about it was to write about it in the magazine.  She said some hurtful and ridiculous stuff.  Stuff like.

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

That heroine thing is her typo, not mine.  Unless of course she means someone addicted to female superheroes.

Anyway, of course the interwebs got all nutbar.  Especially Jezebel, who decided to downshift into everyone’s least favorite kind of feminist: shrieking harridan.  We got lots of  helpful rants like this one.

If you think that watching a fat person walk across the room is “gross,” and if you think not allowing readers to comment on a woman’s weight is “glorifying” obesity, you are a bigot. You are treating a group — people who weigh more than “normal” (whatever that is) — with hatred and intolerance

Oh we can’t judge people based on appearance?  So Jezebel is going to stop writing about fashion and beauty?  Stop snarking on Free People catalogs?  Stop assuming everyone who models for American Apparel is a whore? All the writers are going to quit after Nick Denton ran this ridiculously sexist “news item” about some guy who got to third base with Christine O’Donnell, right?  Oh wait, no, you’re going to contextualize it.  Awesome.

Feminism is hard damn work.  Getting loud and mad over someone being mean to TV characters and getting all introspective and “boys will be boys” over actual sexist behavior by your co-workers makes it harder.  And this is from a website supposedly making it easier.

Everything Bagel Pan Fried Chicken

5 Oct

We are lucky enough to live right near the best and only place to buy real bagels in LA, Brooklyn Bagels. Since Ben likes Everything and I am a sucker for a plain or rye bagel, I get them in separate bags which means at the bottom of Ben’s bag is a handful of Everything remnants: poppy seeds, sesame seeds, onion, garlic, you know… everything.

And last week when I ran out of breadcrumbs I dumped that stuff into my pan fried chicken mix (a recipe Ben calls Chicken A La Beth.)  The results were good, not great.

So I decided to try for great.

Step One: soak chicken thighs in buttermilk, garlic powder, smoked paprika and onion powder overnight

Step Two: Go to Brooklyn Bakery and beg for the droppings from the Everything Bagel bin.

honestly I think this should be sold in stores

Step 3: Toast four Everything bagels and then shred them in the food processor.  Then do your basic fried chicken prep, one hand wet, one hand dry.

Roll the chicken in the breadcrumbs, then the Everythings and then fry in hot but not burning hot oil.  We use the Omega 3 stuff cause it is better for you and doesn’t give you that fried chicken cotton mouth.

The little bits on the side, they are very tasty

Step 4: bake them at 350 until they are done in the middle and then let them rest.


Step 5: Send the nice ones to work with Ben, eat the “lesser ones” while he is gone.


Note: I think I am going to try this with my old recipe where I roll the chicken thighs in fat free ricotta, egg white and parmesan as the wet layer.  Since we don’t eat chicken with the skin on it, the ricotta acts like the skin and I think it will all come out much better.

I’m also going to experiment with pan toasting the Everythings.

It Gets Better

23 Sep

Writer Dan Savage and his camera shy and dead sexy husband Terry talk about their experiences in high school with one simple message to LGBT youth.

It gets better.


This is the kind of homosexual agenda everyone should support. (I almost said ‘get behind’ because I have the comedy stylings of a 12 year old today.)  9 out of 10 LGBT youth are bullied in high school.  You may not remember high school and how it seemed like it was forever, that the decisions and actions and situations you found yourself in felt permanent, like a life sentence.  It would have been so much easier if you could hear from someone who made it out, who knew how you felt and got through it.  So Dan Savage thought he’d help:

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

And what’s even better is the outpouring of videos from other people saying the same thing.  It gets better. It really does.

The Secret Mom.

20 Sep

This is how I like to remember my mom.

I know how most people remember my mom.  Smart. Tough. That’s probably the two words people say the most.  “Your mom was intense, she was amazing, she was tough, she pushed me, she challenged me, she was strong, she was basically a bad ass.”

And all of those things are absolutely true.

She was also completely hysterical.  She was goofy (as evidenced by the face she’s making with Harry.)  She was a great drinker, a lover of scotch and full bodied red wines.  Cooking with my mom meant opening a bottle of something.  After a long day I do what my mom used to do: change my clothes, pour myself a glass of wine.

My mom had the worst sense of storytelling I’ve ever seen in a brilliant writer.  She’d tell you a story about getting the ceiling fans replaced by this amazing lesbian couple and it would seriously sound like she had a point.  It sounded like there was a payoff.  But she never had one.

She got hit on a lot.  She smoked cigarettes for a lot longer than she told my dad, once telling me that it helped deflect men hitting on her on airplanes.  She fought loud and she fought dirty – she always had a line you just couldn’t believe, like she secretly had Tennessee Williams writing retorts for your argument over curfew extensions.

But mostly she was an original.  I hear about people seeing their mom or dad in other people and I still haven’t had that happen.  My mom even told me she once followed a man she saw driving down the highway, driving after him for 30 miles or so, because she was convinced it was her dead father.  I haven’t had that.

She died two years ago tomorrow.  And it is better than it was last year.  Better than the year it happened.  It isn’t acute.  But what never goes away is how much I want to talk to her and how devastating it is when I realize I can’t call.  I never want to call to complain.  Or almost never.  I just want to call to talk, to make a joke, to hear a joke, to hear a long rambling story.  There’s a secret Bernice, one that almost nobody ever met.  One that my sister and dad and I were privileged to know and love.

I don’t miss the tough mom, the warrior mom, the one who turned her disease into a one woman crusade.  I miss the one who used to sing “Islands In The Stream” and make fun of Daniel Shore’s denture problems and who taught me how to make a well-timed eye-roll.

Tom Bernard Empowers Filmmakers and Does it Oh So Right

12 Aug

I’ve spent some time on this blog and on other blogs yelling at the old guard for not understanding the new forms of independent filmmaking.

Not today.

This speech by Tom Bernard from SPC is absolutely right on.  Smart, helpful, empowering, incisive.  This is what you need to read.  Right now.

Tom Bernard: Empowering Filmmakers

I could honestly quote the whole thing, but it is worth reading and absorbing on your own time.  Understanding the business is your job if you plan on getting your movie to an audience.  That doesn’t mean you’re a slave to the business of film.  It just means you have to understand and conquer it.

Skins, Entirely In Gifs

1 Aug

Any Sunday where I wake up to find someone posted this Tumblr full of Skins Gifs is a good Sunday indeed.